long ago

the loss of my lover wasn’t/isn’t the reason for my wish to die. at least not the only reason.

i can no longer hold it together. for my children.

we regularly have electricity and water turned off. i have the fucking DA after me for a few “bad checks”. we’re living on $500.00 a month. i can’t find a job. i’ve been selling off my record collection to buy groceries for my kids.

things have gotten to the point that my death would be beneficial to all. it’s problematical. i need to make it look accidental so my children aren’t further burdened. it will be hard enough, they don’t need need to know the truth.

a month or so ago, i left my Will with my oldest and dearest friend and my true love. it was written coldly and i was planning on death within the next few days.

my kids. they stop me. they don’t seem to understand that we are on the brink of being out on the streets. they don’t understand that their father is threatening to take them and leave me on the streets. i go back and forth: it would be better for everyone if i died…  my death would destroy my children….  i can’t do this any longer….  they need me….  i can’t do this anymore—i fucking can’t.

i fucking tried to make it and i fucking failed. i thought i could do it.

i should have died long ago.

weak

and perhaps the weakest thing i have ever done was to beg and cry for my ex-husband to give me another chance.  this was done out of desperation and loneliness.  done out of weakness.  tho’ i love him and always will, our relationship ended four years ago.

this was weeks ago when i had been planning my death.

he told me that he didn’t love me and didn’t care about me.

i was so close to suicide before and even closer after.

if

if there had only been a fight, a deception, a betrayal….  if we had parted with hatred in our eyes and on our lips….

Best

i wrote:

i wanted to be hard and never talk to you again. i can’t do it. was honest when i said you have become my best friend—actually wasn’t really aware of it myself until i said (wrote) it. yes, i want you as my lover as well as, and in addition to, my friend—and i will always want this—but you are too much of a loved one to let go (of). however—and i don’t know how to say this without sounding retarded—i will never give up hope that you and i will be “together”. there has never been anyone like you, no-one i’ve wanted this painfully and profoundly. i feel as if i’ve been waiting (and slugging through bullshit) for you for years and years. you said you would not want to be selfish or whatever and expect me to wait for you (or however it was said), but Darlin’, i’ve been waiting a long time and will continue to do so. there is and, and i’m pretty certain, will be no-one else (at least no-one i will settle for in any meaningful way). you showed me how it could be. anyway, thank you for everything you’ve done for me.

He replied:

You are, without a doubt, my best friend. You have been for some time now. You’re an important part of my life. I don’t want that to change. Thanks for always being there, even if only to listen.

love, always,

Queasy

He wrote:

I have a very queasy feeling that you’re never going to talk to me again, and I can’t tell you how miserable that makes me.

I wanted to tell you these things on the phone or in person, but I at least want to write them to you. I owe you some kind of explanation.

I honestly and truly love our time together. I have not felt about anyone the way I feel about you. The way I feel about you is the way I wanted to feel about people in the past. I practically broke down when I read your card in the airport. I didn’t want to leave you. Again. The necklace was….I can’t find the words. I felt so certain about you.

When you were worried that I felt overwhelmed or whatever by your home life, I honestly thought, “no, it’s cool. I’m fine with it.” When I got home…I don’t know…it kinda put things into perspective a little. And then when you left all those messages on friday and then again on saturday of last week or whenever it was, I felt different. Part of me wants very badly to be with you, but another part of me WAS overwhelmed. I thought I knew what I was looking for. I don’t right now. I don’t mean that to sound like a cop out. I could have very easily not said anything about this to you and just strung us both along for months. But this is where I get in trouble. I always have the self-destructive urge to say shit. To say to the one person who knows me better than anyone that I wasn’t sure we’d work out.

At this moment, I don’t feel like I can commit myself to anyone. Could that change tomorrow? Possibly. Could it change in the future? I hope so. But I feel completely lost. I thought so very certain and comfortable with you that when I felt the doubt creeping in, it really threw me. I felt like, ‘how can I feel this much of a gulf with someone whom I absolutely love and adore.’ (god, i wish i could write this better.) All the issues that we talked about when we first started talking on the phone have resurfaced…my frustration about my career, my self-loathing, my frustration about relationships, and this horrible, self-destructive sense of doubt.

I don’t expect you to agree with my explanation or anything, and I’m sorry I’m not a better person. All I ask is that you please don’t read this as some sort of excuse on my part to screw around. I don’t do that. Never have; never will.
I joke around a lot about arrogance and self-confidence, but I always cringed a little when you would say things about how I was perfect. Now you know why I’m not, and I wish I could be better for you. it breaks my heart that I’m not.

replacement

i need a lover that will dull my love for him.  the man i am screwing cannot fulfill this role—i do not lie in bed at night and think of him; i do not long for him.

i wish it were as easy as replacement.  maybe it is and i had the stupidity to choose the wrong man for the job.